“Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”

Bob Marley

Relationships are one of the hot topics of the day. To be honest, it will always be a hot topic. However, the topic of relationships are often discussed in a way that is one sided. Men, especially black men rarely have their say or have their stories told.  The mainstream media is largely made for and consumed by women.  So it’s next to impossible to have a real conversation about relationships in that space because the men that do manage to make it to the conversation aren’t representative of real, regular, everyday brothers. Fortunately, we now have an alternative space to tell our side of the story.

The truth is relationships; particularly marriage is on the decline.  Many reasons, usually ones that lay the blame at the feet of men, have been given.  The usual suspects are at play. Men are childish and need to grow up. There aren’t enough educated men. Men are on the down low. These are but a few of the many reasons we’ve heard levied against us.  Of course, what is never mentioned or even dared to even be considered is female inadequacy.  This is never considered because it would for force them to accept some uncomfortable truths about themselves.  There are the 3 truths about relationships that women need to accept.

Marriage Is A Bad Deal For Men

Marriage in its current state is a bad deal for men. It just is. There’s just no other way to say it.  If a man divorces he runs the risk of losing half of his money. He risks losing is house. He risks losing his kids. Even prenuptial agreements won’t always save him. They are often thrown out during divorce proceedings because they are deemed unfair to the woman. If he decides to stay in the marriage, she has little incentive to try to make it work.  At any time cut him off sexually. If he cheats to get his needs met elsewhere she can always divorce him and ruin is life.  Now, to be fair, every marriage is not like this, but with the divorce rate of near 50%, divorce is more than likely. As you can see, this situation overwhelmingly favors women.  So is it any wonder that women are in a hurry to marry and men are more hesitant? Women need to acknowledge and accept the fact that having our lives ruined is a real and legitimate fear that men have and that it contributes mightily to why men aren’t rushing to the altar, City Hall, or The Justice of The Peace.

Earn Your Man, While You Learn Your Man

Better Wright famously sang, “I was earnin’ my man, while I was learnin’ my man something you young girls might not understand.” A lot of women feel entitled. They gynocentric nature of the media, be it TV, radio, movies, books, etc, reinforces this notion. As I said previous about marriage, it really is a bad deal for men. However, many men have no problem being in a committed relationship with a woman. They just don’t want to deal with the possible ramifications of a divorce. But to even get a man to commit, be it for a relationship or a marriage, women need to understand and acknowledge a few things. First, there are stigmas that come with relationships as it pertains to men. You know, she’s going to try to change you, the sex will stop, she won’t want you hanging out with your friends anymore, etc. Unfortunately for a lot of women, a lot of men know other men either directly or indirectly, that these things or other similar things have happened to. That idea is very off putting for a lot of men. As much as we may like a woman, no man wants to have loses his whole identity, and give up the things that he enjoys just to be with her. Sure, there are men that will do this. What does it get them? A woman will never respect a man that she can walk over. Also, is he really happy? Chances are he isn’t.

The easiest way that a woman can get a man to commit to her is to show him that she is ok with him as is and that she won’t try to change the fact that he plays video games, watches anime, or reads comic books. Too many women are in love with what they perceive that a man can or should be, versus what and who he is.

Commitment Has to Be A Choice He Comes To On His Own

No amount of coercion, shaming, bitching, complaining, or nagging is going to make a man commit to a woman, and certainly not any quicker. Committing should be his decision and his decision alone. If a man chooses to commit for any other reason than that is what he wanted to do, it won’t end well for the woman. He will ultimately cheat on her or leave her because he was never with her because that’s what HE wanted.

So, if you are a woman, how do you get chosen? How do you get a man to commit? It’s simple really. First we try, and then we trust. Show the man who you want to be with him for he is. Accept the fact that he has valid concerns about relationships without trying to change him. Allow him to see you for who you are and you’ve got a shot.