In just the last few weeks, I have heard a few YouTube personalities continue to perpetuate a commonly accepted myth and invalid assertion about women’s sexuality. What is this long-standing myth?

That all of women’s interest in sexual enjoyment and satisfaction is predicated on their emotions. This is so far from the truth, it is not even funny. Any heterosexual man who buys into this myth is not only very naïve, but I would venture to say that he is at least a wee bit delusional.

In previous articles, I have discussed the fact that women are very sexually duplicitous in their interactions and relationships with men. I have also discussed the appeal of Alpha males vs. Beta males in the eyes of women as well as men’s delineation between monogamy-oriented ‘good girls’ and highly promiscuous ‘sluts.’

Now, I am going to add yet another distinction between male and female lovers: “public” lovers vs. “private” lovers.

If anyone reading this article has read my book, The Beta Male Revolution, they already know that dating and mating rituals between men and women were totally different prior to the 1960s than they are today.

For example, if a woman wanted to marry someone who her mother and/or father did not approve of, she would resort to a concept known as eloping. Beginning with no later than the mid-1970s, there has really been no need for women to elope. For starters, it is totally acceptable for women to begin engaging in sexual activities years before they get married. Some girls begin engaging in intercourse with boys as early as eleven years old, and very frequently by no later than the age of seventeen.

Even though women are far more open-minded, free-spirited, and erotically uninhibited in today’s dating scene than they were sixty-plus years ago, the vast majority of women are still very protective of their image and public reputation.

Consequently, many women have very different types of men that they will openly admit to engaging in regular or semi-regular sexual activities with as opposed to the type of men who they will make every effort to engage in regular, semi-regular, or occasional sex with privately and discreetly.


In simple terms, a public lover for a woman would be a man who earns the overwhelming approval of her mother or step-mother, her father or step-father, her siblings, and her closest girlfriends. You can think of this male lover as “the thumbs up guy.” This is a man who is usually intelligent, well-mannered, an upstanding citizen of society, and a man who is generally adored by his friends and family members.

For men, it goes beyond a woman’s personality, her moral character, her integrity, and her reputation for being extremely likeable and monogamy-oriented. Physical appearance is of the utmost importance to a man regarding his public lovers. Many men seek out a “trophy” girlfriend or wife. The type of woman that provokes one or more of their male friends to enthusiastically express, “Wow! How in the world did you pull HER?!?”

If a man or woman chooses to get married, there is a 99% chance that the person will be a companion who falls into the category of the “public” lover. And yes … with these lovers, there usually is some sort of emotional connection between the two partners or spouses.

Now, for the lovers you will rarely see coupled up in public.


For a man, probably the most obvious example of a “private” lover would be a married man who has one or more mistresses, or a man who has a long-term girlfriend but also has one or more women who are his ‘side pieces.’

Most men almost believe it to be ‘normal’ for a man to maintain a mistress (if married) or a side piece (if unmarried), but many of these same men seem to be ‘shocked’ when they discover that a good number of women also have additional lovers on the side.

The sense of surprise or ‘shock’ begins with what I mentioned at the beginning of this article. The mistaken idea that women are only willing to engage in sexual activities with a man who they have a strong emotional connection with. All I have to say is, “wake up.” Wake up fast.

As I confessed in Chapter Nine of my 2012 book, The Possibility of Sex, I was several women’s “other man” between the ages of 17 and 38. During that roughly twenty-plus year period, I had sex with at least three dozen women who were married, engaged to be married, or had a long-term boyfriend.

One major thing I learned about women from those experiences was that women are actually more similar to men than they are different from men. Particularly when it comes to the differences between the appeal of a “public” lover versus a “private,” discreet lover.

With “private” lovers, the emphasis is really on just one thing: That man or woman’s ability to provide multiple episodes of enjoyable, pleasurable, and satisfying sex without any emotions being involved or without any sense of jealousy or possessiveness developing.

For example, I remember during my 1984-85 academic year as a college student at Indiana University in Bloomington, Indiana, I engaged in short-term non-monogamous ‘casual’ sex with at least a half dozen very attractive Caucasian sorority girls. What was interesting with these women is that if we were both on campus together with other people around, these women would pretend like they did not even know me. Some would literally look the other way if they saw me approaching them while they were accompanied by male and/or female friends or fellow sorority sisters.

One of them was blunt with me. She said, “Number one, I have a boyfriend … and number two, you are Black. My friends would never accept the idea of me cheating on my (White) boyfriend with a Black guy. My entire reputation within my sorority would be forever tarnished.” After giving her words some thought, I totally understood where she was coming from.  Translation:  She wanted me to strictly remain her private lover.

Ethnicity or race is just one factor that may contribute to someone becoming another’s “private” lover. Other factors would include socio-economic background and family background, less-than-average facial looks (this applies much more so to men than women; many men will maintain several ‘private’ lovers that may have a less-than-attractive face, but an above-average figure), age, or the existence of a criminal record or a history of drug use.

In simple terms, when you are selected as a man or woman’s “private” lover, this means that they do not want to be seen in public with you, and they do not want their friends or family members to know about you (especially if they are married, engaged, or otherwise romantically involved).


As a man, please delete the belief out of your head that women need to be emotionally attached to a man in order to enjoy themselves in bed with that man. For the “public” lovers, yes … this is usually the case.  Conversely, emotions have very little if anything to do with a man or woman’s desire for their “private” lovers.

The only criteria to become one’s “private” lover is for you to offer a promise that comes very close to a ‘guarantee’ that you will deliver orgasmic pleasure both mentally and physically to your partner.

For the more private, discreet lovers, that is the only factor that matters.

More about Alan Roger Currie can be found on; Visit Currie’s main website to find out more about his Email consultations, Skype & Telephone consultations, and One-on-One / Face-to-Face Coaching sessions. Currie also has an active YouTube channel where he offers his own unique brand of knowledge, wisdom, insight, and general advice related to dating and relationships. If you are a single heterosexual man, and you want advice on how to develop the confidence and courage to be more upfront, specific and straightforwardly honest about your sexual desires, interests, and intentions with women, check out Currie’s eBooks, paperbacks, and audiobooks. Currie has been a featured speaker at many dating advice workshops for men in the United States as well as internationally. If you want to become a subscriber of Dating Coach Alan Roger Currie, CLICK HERE