What Do Older Black Women Have To Offer In The Dating Marketplace?

Black Feminist Author/Social Media Personality Feminista Jones discussing her book, “Reclaiming Our Space” at the Strand bookstore, Feb 6, 2019. She’s a “Hot Mess” personified – and has just turned the Big 4-0 earlier this year (She’s an Aries – YAAAASSSSS!!!). Well – any takers, gentlemen?

Longtime “dating expert” Deborrah “Darh Hideous” Cooper and “Cousin Joy” – two harpies discuss dating. Are you kidding me?

“June 25, 1745

My dear Friend,

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entering into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience.

4. Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin’d to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

8thly and Lastly They are so grateful!!

Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely Your affectionate Friend.”
-Benjamin Franklin, “Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress (1745).”

“The Blackwoman also remains jealous of her Blackman deep into old age. She is jealous of younger and older women whom she thinks is laying in wait for her man. She raises big hell if she suspects her man of fooling around on her. She does this in fear that he will have sex with another woman, give her his money or leave home. She is also more prone to want to accept being elderly or infirmed. She is quicker to accept the idea that she has already lived her life and now she can settle down and stay home most of the time. The Blackman clings to life to the very end and wants to enjoy the excitement and the activities as long as possible. Retirement, different from the Blackwoman, does not mean that productive life is finished, but started. His woman will remind him that he is too old to do this or that and he should sit down somewhere and let the young people take over. She wants him to believe he is old so that she no longer has to worry about him being attracted or attractive to a younger woman. Even in the older stages of life the Blackwoman persists in trying to block the Blackman from pursuing other women. It makes her bitter and vindictive. It makes him tired.”
-Shahrazad Ali, “The Blackman’s Guide To Understanding The Blackwoman”, pp. 33

In the wake of the R. Kelly and Jason Roger Pope, aka “DJ Kid” scandals, renewed interest in the idea that “dirty old (Black) men” were on the make to debauch young maidens has (re)surfaced on Black social media. But this time, it isn’t solely the usual suspects – old(er) Black women themselves who are making a stink – it’s quite a few Black men too, all of whom have lovely young daughters, no less – and all of whom along with their matronly sistas demand that Black men date “age appropriately”. When directly asked what exactly this statement means, our loyal opposition suddenly gets coy and acts like we’re speaking Russian and they simply can’t undestand by what we mean; but their unspoken implications are easily understood well enough. “Dating age appropriately” means that, if you’re a 50 year old Black man, you are expected to date 50 year old (and preferrably older!) Black women – no matter what, at that!

The above latter point is hugely important, because our interlocutors never explicitly or even implicitly explain exactly what benefits accrue to older, highly viable Black men out on today’s Black American mating market, to exclusively seekout older Black women – and for good reason. In today’s column, we examine this demand on the part of “da communitah” and ask the burning question: “What do older Black women have to offer”?

Let’s get started!

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DA COMMUNITAH’S IDEA OF (OLDER) “BLACK LOVE”
In a series documenting the supposed triumph of “Black Love” on the Oprah Winfrey Network in the summer 2018, 64 year old Tina Knowles not only emasculated her second hubbie, veteran actor Richard Lawson, she eviscerated him on international television. The look on the long suffering Lawson’s face really said it all as to how much he’s had to endure in the name of “Black Love”. Of course, Lawson was soon seen to be the one in the wrong as is so often the case in Black “communitah” life, because Black women – especially those who attain “big mama” status – can never, ever, do any wrong. It didn’t matter that Knowles’ overbearingly bitchy behaviors were on display for all the world to see – no, that was only a “strong Black woman” we saw and Lawson simply wasn’t “man enough” to take and deal with it. That, last time I checked, Lawson remains with Knowles to this day instead of taking his mic off, getting up and walking out mid-interview, only reinforces this truly dysfunctional “communitah” view. Black men in general and older Black men like the now-72 year old Lawson are expected to take what can only be described anywhere else normal outside of Black America as abuse – verbal, mental, emotional, psychological and even physical. And the expectation arises from the fact that Black women like Knowles were somehow “survivors” of select fuckboys like her first hubbie, Michael Knowles. You see, because Knowles was a serial cheater and Tina has had to bear the brunt of all that, it then gives her the right to be a bitch – and a “good” Black man like Lawson should have to grin and bear it. That’s A1 DUMPING and it’s deeply ABUSIVE, as all the world got to see on television in the summer of 2018 – and yet, the demand that “good” Black men put up with Black women like Tina Knowles not only persists, it has seen a decided uptick in the time since.

Of course, the idea that older Black women like Knowles get intensive professional counseling and therapy for her relationship trauma and repeated marital infidelities suffered at the hands of Michael Knowles is all but an alien concept in Black American life, despite claims to the contrary on the part of older Black women themselves, who claim that it is Black men who don’t seekout therapy. It is clear to me that there is one Black man is most in need of it: Richard Lawson.

And given what Lawson had to endure on that “Black Love” (WTF?!?!) episode, if you’re an older Black man, you simply have to ask: is THIS, what I can expect in my later – perhaps final years – to be joined at the hip to an old harpy of a bitch? Really?

No wonder so many older Black men are heading for fresher, tighter, younger, more amenable pastures…or literally just checking out of here altogether. The afterlife is a far better option to the alternative in the here and now.

BEING DEAD IS BETTER THAN BEING WITH AN OLD BLACK SHREW
Lest one think that my mention of the Knowles/Lawson incident was just the stuff of Hollywood celebrity and “drama tv”, think again. In a recent piece appearing in my hometown’s newspaper of record the Phildelphia Inquirer, the author lamets the dearth of older Black men for older Black women. Titled “Where did all the men go? In Philly, women outnumber them by 90,000 — the widest ‘gender gap’ among major U.S. cities.” and published on the Inquirer’s website on Nov 11, 2019, it reads in part, the following:

“At 74, Rosa Rodriguez keeps outliving her men.

Her husband and two boyfriends died at relatively young ages. Meanwhile, Rodriguez, a former worker in a sewing factory, continues to enjoy cooking, watching TV, and socializing at Norris Square Senior Community Center.

“Men don’t take care of themselves like women do,” said the mother of five, who moved to Philadelphia from Puerto Rico 60 years ago. “Sometimes I’m lonely. But a lot of the time, I’m just fine.”

Rodriguez is part of a surprising state of affairs here: The imbalance between the number of adult women and men is so great that, among the nation’s 10 biggest cities, Philadelphia is the most predominantly female.

Within the city, women outnumber men by about 90,000, according to an Inquirer analysis of U.S. Census Bureau figures. That works out to 86.4 men for every 100 women. On the other end of the scale, San Jose, Calif., has 100.2 men for every 100 women, possibly because of the male-dominated tech industry.

“Philadelphia is a city of women,” said Thelma Kennerly, who runs a food kitchen at Devereux United Methodist Church in Tioga. “Our men are dead or in jail. But women are still out here. Women are the stronger ones.””

Yes, Ms. Kennerly, YOUR Black men are “dead or in jail”. Meanwhile, lifelong Philadelphians like yours truly is doing just fine, thank you very much, as I noted in a previous column, “Lessons Learned From The Summer 2019 North Philly Shootout”, Aug 19, 2018. As you can see, we’re talking about one of the most crime, drugs and poverty-stricken areas of the city. So this is at least in some sense, a class issue.

While the Inquirer article would have us believe that it is all the Black men to blame for why there are so many lonely Black spinsters, what is curiously left out is the Tina Knowles-type behaviors that just might have driven so many of those Black men into an early grave in the first place. We know from academic study that your partner can and will have a marked impact on your life for better or for worse – but here again the information is imparted in a gendered way. What no one wants to openly say is that being with a bitch – especially an older one – WILL have a deleterious effect on your life.

Which just might explain, at least in part, why there are so many dead Black men in Philly.

I can tell you from firsthand experience that Black Philly women are loud, abrasive, anti-social, fat/obese, have no shame or decorum, uncooperative and are often violent – which explains how and why I haven’t dealt with a Black Philly chick in almost 20 years(!). ALL of my honeys I’ve imported. And of all my homies who are also Philly born and bred, they’ve just happened to do the exact same thing – if they themselves haven’t already left. And I strongly suspect this is the case in most of Black America’s biggest cities, too. All of which begs the question: what do older Black women have to offer to make an older Black man partnering with them worth the while?

THE REAL REASON WHY “DA COMMUNITAH” IS SO CONCERNED ABOUT THE BLACK SPINSTER PROBLEM
As always in Black American life, there is an ulterior motive to all of the handwringing about “dirty old men” and it ain’t all about the “young girls” – it is this: that EVERYONE knows that there are easy, deep and profound reasons why these harpies are ALONE – and they can, will and DO make everyday living MISERABLE for everyone else. Since they have no older Black man at home, they have nothing but time to be all up in everyone else’s business, being loud gossips and just being obnoxious. Just about every Black family has at least one and in many instances entire batallions of old battleaxes – and they desperately want someone to take them off their hands.

Hence, the demand that older Black men who actually have something going for them, to “date age appropriately”.

Fortunately for such Black men, we’re not taking the sour bait – more and more of us are either dating and mating much younger in-country, getting with both younger and older women from other lands or simply dropping out (or dropping dead!) before we have to endure “the Lawson treatment”.

Let’s count the ways in which, for most older Black women (defined in today’s column as Black women 40 and over and notable exceptions notwithstanding) most of the time, it’s a waste of an older, successful, polished Black man’s time:

1. FAT/OBESITY: Right off the rip, 55% of ALL Black women are flatout obese and that’s not including those Black women across the board who are seriously overweight. Put this together with lots of cellulite and stretchmarks from having kids (almost always by select fuckboys at that!) and it simply isn’t a good look – even in the dark with the lights off

2. BITCHY/ARGUMENTATIVE/UNCOOPERATIVE: In our highly charged political environment these days there can be seen older Black women who are died in the wool Lefties and Black feminist types, who wear these things on their sleeves as if badges of honor – luckily for guys like us they make it a lot easier to avoid

3. UN/ASEXUAL: As a recent Deborrah “Darth Hideous” Cooper video on the matter clearly shows, many older Black women have made it clear in no uncertain terms that they are NOT gonna “bust it wide open”. Fortunately for us though, there are quite a few older women elsewhere, who don’t hold the same view

4. WAY TOO MANY “PROBLEMS”: As the critically acclaimed documentary by Al Greeze, “Frustrated: Black American Men In Brazil” clearly points out, far too many older Black women have way too many problems for their own good and expect ANY man they meet to want to hear them drone on and on and on about them. Ain’t nobody got no time for that

5. VERBALLY/PSYCHOLOGICALLY/MENTALLY/PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE: Tina Knowles, Richard Lawson, among a great many other examples. Thank you, WorldStarHipHop.com! ‘Nuff said…

Put all this together with the usual compliment of Wookie weaves, press on nailery, fake the funk waist trainers and other deceptive appliances and it all adds up to there being a lot to take in the name of being of service to “da communitah” – again, no wonder there are so many Black men dying off. ANYTHING’S better than a fate like that!

And now, at the last, you can see the reason for the dual quotations at the beginning of today’s column – because, if old Ben Franklin were alive today, he would be downright appalled by what he would see in “da communitah” among its older Black women in particular – a far cry from the, yeah I’ll say it, White older ladies of his time. Sister Shahrazad Ali came a lot closer to the present day truth in this regard.

And it explains a lot – doesn’t it?

Be it resolved then, my brothers, that in answer to the burning question, “What do older Black women have to offer?”, I reply:

NOTHING. But head and heartache, pain, misery and yes, even early death.

What Black man worth his salt wants any part of that?

Now adjourn your asses…

MOA

Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host and newly minted dating coach. You can catch his daily live shows on Mixlr, and his podcasts on YouTube and Black Avenger TV, as well as his weekly dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. He’s also a semi-professional pest.