Gentlemen, please meet one Ms. Bridget Kelly, the lady who was keen to interject how Black women like her “don’t owe you sex” for simply showing them a nice evening out on the town. Fair enough – so, what are YOU offering, Ms. Kelly?

“Nowadays alot of women lead so heavily with sexuality both in insinuations and deed that it falls squarely into game playing when she doesn’t follow though. We, as a collective, have tried to offer friendship to assuage the lack of desirability all the while hoping to ‘one up’ the guy who isn’t even a runner up for what he seeks. In 2020, that is a non-starter for a man who is of any means–select or not. Giving a non-select guy company for personal gain or frivolously wasting time used to be widely accepted. However, the likes of Obsidian are letting these men know not only do they not have to take that treatment but that they should vehemently rebuff it. These men may not be “pre-selected” but they aren’t desperate like they’ve been assumed to be for decades. If sex isn’t on the table I dont see anything wrong with the man inquiring….’well, what else can i expect?’ It’s disingenuous to ignore the majority who will be stuck with the ‘deer in the headlights look’ and simply respond with “friendship” because it’s the safe answer AND it sounds better than saying “Well, I’m….me. I offer absolutely nothing but wasted time and effort ultimately impeding your end-goal”.”
-“Wanda”, A female reader and listener of mine

A recent episode of Steve Harvey’s “Straight Talk” took up the question of splitting bills on a date (“Straight Talk: Splitting the Bill on Dates”, Facebook, Aug 14, 2020). During the course of the just under five-minute discussion, one of Mr. Harvey’s panelists, a Black woman, emphatically added the point that “just because you take us out to dinner and pay the valet, we don’t owe you anything” – and by “anything” she means sex. If you’re a Black guy, especially one of the “non-select” variety, you’ve heard some iteration of this woman’s vociferous point quite a few times in your life. I say it that way because, let’s face it – Black women don’t make these fierce declarations to the “select” Black men that they are sexually attracted to, no matter how much they may try to protest to the contrary – we’ve all seen it firsthand. When Black women say such things, what they really mean is that the non-select guys they’re going out with, have ZERO chance of tapping that – not today, not no day.

OK then, so why bother even going out with the non-select guys in the first place – why not simply go out with the guys that turn their crank? Excellent question, and the answers are far too numerous for today’s musings. Let’s just say for now, that one major reason is because a lot of these ladies are gunning way out of their league, and CAN’T attract a “Masters of the Universe” brother for more than a non-descript roll in the hay. No-strings attached. On the down low.

We all know that’s true. There are other moving parts, but in a nutshell, yea.

In today’s column, your lord and master will slice through a Gordian knot that has bedeviled Black American dating and mating life for decades: What the Non-Select Guy should do when confronted with the reality that a Black woman ain’t sexually feeling him, BUT still wants him to show her a good time. The method I hand down to the Obsidians today is one that I have crafted and that works to grand effect. Let’s get to it!

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at Now, back to the article!

Contrary to otherwise popular opinion, knowing that you’re a Non-Select Guy is actually quite liberating; for starters, you’re not under any fog of illusions about dating and mating life (what we “in the know” would refer to as “Blue Pill thinking”); couple that with the power of the internet, social media and academic research on the science of human mating as it applies to today’s Black American woman, and there’s simply no point at this late date continuing to live in denial, or trying to beat around the bush about these realities; in fact, I counsel NSGs to embrace both! Why?

Well, for one thing, knowing is half the battle. If you know the lay of the land beforehand, you have a better chance of doing well out on the dating and mating grounds and getting what YOU want. Second, knowing where you and most Black women are on the playing field reduces your chances of being taken advantage of, your money and most importantly your time being wasted. And third, part of being an NSG is that you know the truth and treat it like a friend. Unlike most Black women today and quite a few Select Fuckboys, you as an NSG simply don’t have the luxuries of telling yourself a bunch of pretty lies about life, love and how the world works. Knowing that a lot of Black women wouldn’t see you as their “first choice” sexually need not be a death sentence, but merely a mild disappointment at best. The great thing about this is that you don’t set yourself up for being let down, or deluding yourself into hoping against hope that if you simply did “thus and so”, that it would “change her mind”, like so many hapless saps do – recall the column that launched a thousand fits of outrage on the part of Black women, about my reporting, analysis of, and how to contend with, the now well-documented practice of “dinner whoring” (“All The Crazy Ladies”,, Jul 29, 2019; “A Gentleman Knows When To Keep His Word – & When Not To (Or, “All THe Crazy Ladies” Revisited)”,, Jul 21, 2020). Remember boys, the greatest weapon any NSG has out here on these dating and mating streets is the Truth – first about yourself, and then about others – and the Truth is like sunlight to many Black women and some Select Fuckboys, because both trade in and rely, to one degree or another, on lying to themselves and others. Embracing that you’re a Non-Select Guy means that no one can lie to you because you don’t lie to yourself; and because you are honest with yourself, others have no choice but to be the same – or make a hasty exit, stage left.

All of this means that you walk into dating scenarios actually holding a high card – one, because you know that it is possible that you might not turn ole girl’s crank; two, because it means that you’re cool with that; and three, because you have the chance to put a reversal on her that she’ll not soon forget.

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at Now, back to the article!

So, since we’re being brutally honest with ourselves, we can now turn our focus on Black women like the one who recently appeared on Mr. Harvey’s panel. And let’s not dither around with this: the vast majority of Black women today do indeed see themselves as a prize to be won and that by simply showing up, the heavens should open up and so should your wallet. Despite all the sound and fury surrounding “a woman’s worth”, in truth many of today’s Black women feel that their worth is inherent, is matter of fact, and only the blind among Black men aren’t able to easily ferret this out.

In a dating context, this plays itself out as many Black women explicitly or implicitly demanding top-flight treatment – and for purposes of today’s discussion, one of the surefire “tells” of a dinner whore, will be exactly this. They want the best “for the free” – meaning, that they offer little in return in the way of all your toil and trouble in wooing her out for a night on the town (and let’s get right to it, a nice free dinner, appetizers, drinks and dessert, since it’s a rare Black woman who will pass on the chance to eat and drink well – especially if she thinks she can do it and “get away with it”).

Now, since this is a free country, no one can knock another fellow American citizen for thinking or believing anything they like about themselves, or for that matter, of others; but the rub comes in when so many Black women attempt to ACT on their ideas and beliefs, especially when it comes to Non-Select Guys, that gets them into trouble. Many Black women thinking that they’re the prize and that it should be an honor to merely be in their presence as a NSG AND pay for the privilege is one thing; putting it out there, as the Black lady panelist did on Harvey’s show, that they have no intention or interest of putting out upfront before the night out begins with the expectation that the night proceed anyway, is another.

Note how I’m not attempting to “change” anything about the Black women for whom today’s column applies; rather, simply letting them know that I and my Obsidians, ain’t havin’ it.

That brings me to the meat and point of today’s discussion – that just as Black women have a right to layout in plain terms the “rules of engagement” for us Non-Select Guys, we too have a right to ask “What’s in it for me?” as well. Remember: being a NSG means that you face the truth about a situation head-on – and then seek to see if it can be turned to YOUR advantage. Let’s assume that the Black lady in the above Harvey video was addressing me; here’s how I would respond:

“I understand that you’re not attracted to me like that, and that’s fair; and yet, you still want to be taken out. OK. So, since this is going to be a platonic outing, I only have one question: What CAN I expect this evening, from you?”

Notice how I accepted her premise and terms, acknowledged that they were fair, and asked what could I expect for the evening? Trust me, the vast majority of Black women will respond, “Nothing!” – and that’s when you get ’em right where you want ’em.

I say that because it reveals the view of many Black women today – that a date isn’t a fair exchange, but rather little more than a charitable outing for HER.

I’ve found that Black women get highly offended at being asked such a question, and for good reason – because, and this is yet another one of those unspoken truths in Black American life, most Black women are horrible platonic, non-sexual companions.

It’s true. How many of them are such a joy to be around, that you wouldn’t mind taking them out strictly on a platonic level? How many are actually, truly, well-read, curious, can carry a conversation that doesn’t entail reality television or social media “tea”? How many would look good on your arm at the big reception at the big art museum in town, the black-tie gala ball where all the important people who matter will be? How many would know what to do, what to say, to make you look good and leave a favorable impression on those people who matter? How many are vivacious, fun-loving? How many are great dancers? You see, when you take sex off the table, the number of single Black women who fit the bill out on the market – especially of the kind who bellow “we don’t owe you!” on shows like Mr. Harvey’s – drops like a rock.

Because Black women for whom it applies are convinced that non-select Black men are so very thirsty, combined with their fervent belief that they are just so all-that, they honestly believe that all they do need to bring to the table for a platonic date with a Black man they aren’t sexually attracted to, is what they’re sitting on. “It”‘s supposed to be so powerful, so intoxicating to the non-select guy, that it will overcome any and all other deficiencies – even when said non-select guy has as much a chance of bumping bellies as he has a chance of winning the Powerball lottery. It’s been said that beliefs can and often do trump facts, and this here is a case in point – despite the fact that “dating” is all but dead in contemporary Black American life, Black women of the type on Harvey’s show still honestly believe that non-select guys are going to go for the okey doke.

They are sadly mistaken.

The cold, bitter truth is that Black women of the kind being discussed in today’s column, are of the view that not only do they don’t “owe” the non-select guys any sex on a date, they don’t “owe” them a non-sexual, platonic good time, either – they honestly believe that they are the ones doing non-select guys a favor, because, who else do they have, right? Black women for whom it applies, don’t see non-select guys as sentient beings in their own right – not worthy of human dignity, common courtesy or the simple “respect” that just as many of them caterwaul on about all over social media (when rode hard and hung out wet by the Select Fuckboys they love to hate). In the minds of many of the Black women I’m talking about, non-select guys are merely a means to an end – and damn everything else.

It’s one thing for a lady to tell you upfront that she isn’t sexually attracted to you and then seeks to find a way to make an evening out pleasurable and/or of tactical or strategic value to/for you in a non-sexual way; quite another to do the former but still expect the “Girlfriend Experience” in the case of the latter – for the free. The utter lack of a “win-win” attitude among far too many of today’s Black women is a major impediment to so many of them finding a man at all for longer than a roll in the hay, and throws gasoline on the raging five-alarm fire that is the gender war in Black America.

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at Now, back to the article!

A common misconception about non-select guys in Black America is that they simply can’t handle not being the apple of a sista’s eye; can’t “walk it off” after being rejected, and so on; but as one myself, let me disabuse everyone of this urban legend: We don’t have a problem with not turning a certain gal’s crank. Such is life. What we DO have a HUGE problem with, is the idea that we are paying for the privilege for Black women who think they’re doing us a favor for allowing us to be in their presence for a few hours of mailing-it-in companionship and flagging, boring conversation. It’s one thing not to be a woman’s cup of tea; quite another to have to put up with her indignity.

If one wants to know why “chivalry is dead” in Black America today; why “courtin'” has gone the way of the dinosaur; it’s because far too many – not all, but enough – Black women have made the exercise a waste of time, most of the time. Black men – even the non-select ones – are cost-benefit calculators – and have run the numbers, found them wanting, and have voted with their feet accordingly. And if Black women like the one on Mr. Harvey’s show recently, want to know why so many guys view them only in a sexual light, it’s because that’s what Black women have chosen to highlight about themselves more than anything else – and when you bring nothing compelling non-sexually to the table, really, what else is there?

Here then ends today’s lesson.

Now adjourn your asses…


Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host, newly minted dating coach and soon to be author. You can catch his daily live shows on the global livestreaming radio website Mixlr, as well as the all-new members-only Obsidian Radio Zoomcast, and his podcasts on YouTube and Black Avenger TV, as well as his weekly dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. He’s also a semi-professional pest.