For many decades, when it comes to discussions about long-term romantic relationships, many men and women society firmly believe that is best to develop and nurture a great (purely platonic) friendship prior to exchanging orgasms and becoming sexual lovers and ultimately romantic companions indefinitely.

Does this idea still hold up in the 21st Century dating landscape?

I say the “friends first, lovers second” scenario could still work for many couples, but I would make the strong argument that from the man’s perspective, it is better to be lovers first, and then later become rock solid friends.

Both relationship models have their advantages and disadvantages, and I will examine the pros and cons of both.

PROS & CONS OF THE ‘FRIENDS FIRST, LOVERS SECOND’ MODEL

Most men and women who come from a ‘traditional’ and an ‘old-fashioned’ social environment generally tend to be the ones to heavily promote the ‘friends first, lovers second’ relationship model.  Let’s call these men and women the “Blue Pill Mindset” faction.

Advantages to this relationship model:  If a woman is a virgin, or at bare minimum, the woman involved may have only engaged in sexual relations with two or three men who she was previously married to, engaged to, or romantically involved with within the context of a long-term strictly monogamous relationship, then I believe the ‘friends first, lovers second’ relationship model can work for both the man and the woman involved.

I have usually defined the notion of “true love” as SEXUAL LUST + A LOYAL, TRUSTWORTHY FRIENDSHIP = TRUE LOVE.  That said, if it has been determined that there is mutual physical chemistry and strong sexual chemistry between the man and the woman, then building a rock-solid friendship should be priority number one.

All relationships tend to experience their fair share of “rough spots,” and if the friendship component is rock solid, then the couple will be better able to weather the storm of their more challenging moments when the lust component of the relationship becomes erratic or begins to fluctuate or wane.

Finally, many women in society are always going to favor the ‘friends first, lovers second’ relationship model because this model contributes to women maintaining the image and reputation of an ‘innocent, wholesome, prudish or semi-prudish, strictly monogamy oriented good girl.’ Not too many women want to risk developing a reputation for being a ‘quick, easy lay.’

Drawbacks to this relationship model:  If a woman has been very sexually active in her past interactions with men, and even more specifically highly promiscuous and/or polyamorous with more than a handful of men, then the ‘friends first, lovers second’ relationship model is going to come across as very disingenuous and even manipulative on behalf of the woman in the eyes of most men.

In more blunt terms, there a number of sexually duplicitous and highly manipulative women who will jump into bed very quickly with a man who they perceive to be a highly self-assured, very kinky, erotically dominant Alpha male … but these same women will mislead a man who they perceive as more of a Beta male to believe that it is best for him to “patiently wait” before attempting to indulge in any form of sexual activities with her and instead concentrate all of their attention on nurturing the friendship component of the relationship.

The latter point brings me to the alternative relationship model: ‘lovers first, friends second.’

THE RELATIONSHIP MODEL THAT FAVORS MEN IN THE 21st CENTURY:  LOVERS FIRST, FRIENDS SECOND

As mentioned above, virgins and very sexually inexperienced women aside, I believe the situation that most benefits single heterosexual men in the 21st Century is the ‘lovers first, friends second’ relationship model.

From the man’s perspective, there is simply no major drawback to this relationship model.  None whatsoever.  Interesting enough, I once interviewed a woman on my old BlogTalkRadio show by the name of Dr. Veronica Anderson who even promoted the ‘lovers first, friends second’ relationship model to women!

Dr. Anderson’s main argument was (paraphrasing a bit), “Why should a man and a woman spend a number of weeks, months, or years taking time to getting to know each other platonically, if they have no idea if they truly have any worthwhile physical or sexual chemistry?  That makes no sense.  Just because a man and a woman have platonic (non-sexual) chemistry does not automatically mean that this same man and woman are going to be able to create or maintain a high degree of sexual chemistry.”

During that interview, I totally agreed with her.  As most of my readers and followers know, one of my “golden rules” of advice is never confuse or conflate the appeal of your non-sexual attention & companionship with the appeal of your sexual attention & companionship.  Once you make that mistake, you are essentially opening the door for a member of the opposite sex to mislead you, manipulate you, and potentially leave you emotionally heartbroken.

The top two primary advantages (for men) to executing the ‘lovers first, friends second’ relationship model is that you 1) immediately weed out women who are disingenuous and only looking to take advantage of a man’s non-sexual time, attention, and companionship as well as women who are just seeking to exploit a man for his financial resources … and 2) force women to reveal if they are genuinely attracted to you physically and sexually.  

Remember:  SEXUAL LUST + A LOYAL, TRUSTWORTHY FRIENDSHIP = TRUE LOVE.  If your relationship with a woman leans too heavily toward the ‘lust’ component of the relationship, then you and your female companion are going to end up being nothing more than glorified ‘fuck buddies.’  Similarly, if your relationship with a woman leans too heavily toward the ‘friendship’ component of the relationship, then you and your female companion or spouse are going to end up being nothing more than glorified platonic friends.  Neither situation will benefit you and your partner in the long-run.

Keep this in mind.  Happy Holidays.

Note: Columnist Alan Roger Currie will not have a published article posted on the following dates due to his travel schedule and/or vacation plans:

  • Monday, December 24, 2018
  • Monday, December 31, 2018
  • Monday, January 7, 2019

Senior writer Alan Roger Currie was recently named the 2017 Charles Tyler Freelance Writer & Columnist of the Year for the NegroManosphere.com, and he was also named the NegroManosphere.com’s 2017 Best Dating Coach for Men on YouTube and 2017 Black Male YouTube Personality of the Year. More about Alan Roger Currie can be found on Wikipedia.org; Visit Currie’s main website to find out more about his Email consultations, Skype & Telephone consultations, and One-on-One / Face-to-Face Coaching sessions. Currie also has an active YouTube channel where he offers his own unique brand of knowledge, wisdom, insight, and general advice related to dating and relationships. If you are a single heterosexual man, and you want advice on how to develop the confidence and courage to be more upfront, specific and straightforwardly honest about your sexual desires, interests, and intentions with women, check out Currie’s eBooks, paperbacks, and audiobooks. Currie has been a featured speaker at many dating advice workshops for men in the United States as well as internationally. Currie was the first African-American to be a featured speaker at The 21 Convention and was a featured speaker for the second time on Saturday, October 13, 2018 in Orlando, Florida. If you want to become a Patreon.com subscriber of Dating Coach Alan Roger Currie, CLICK HERE