“Silly of me to think that I
Could ever have you for my guy
How I love you
How I want you
Silly of me to think that you
Could ever really want me too
How I love you

You’re just a lover out to score
I know that I should be looking for more
What could it be in you I see
What could it be

Oh…oh…oh…love, oh, love
Stop making a fool of me
Oh…oh…oh…love, oh, love
Stop making a fool of me”
-Deneice Williams, “Silly”

Following up on the past few columns where we’ve been examining today’s Black American dating and mating landscape through an economic lens, today we will discuss something that, until now, NO ONE dared to venture into: that of the very high price so many Black women pay for getting “caught up” with Select Fuckboys.

Yes, I used the term, “Select Fuckboys” – and I stand by it, for a very good, simple and profound reason: because the “fuckboys” sooooooooooo many Black women complain about, are the very “select” Black men they lust after in the first place. Now of course, Black women won’t be so forthcoming in admitting this sad fact, won’t openly acknowledge this ugly truth; but, unlike the “select” guys, one of the strengths of being a “non-select” one, is that nine times out of ten you’re smarter than the average bear. You use simple inductive reasoning to ferret out the truth:

1. Black women complain about “fuckboys”
2. “Fuckboys” lie, cheat on, beat and abandon Black women routinely; they also shy away from any form of personal responsibility or accountability, completely cool with living on/off said Black women as if a leech
3. “Non-Select” guys, by definition, don’t get the chance to do these things to Black women and even if they did have the opportunity they’re a completely different animal, as Black women regularly attest to themselves (read: being labeled as “lame”, “corny”, etc.)
4. “Select” guys, on the other hand, get many opportunties to be “fuckboys” and ain’t shit to begin with underneath the pristine veneer of their physical appearance and social/verbal presentation/act
5. Therefore, “Select” guys are in fact, the very “fuckboys” Black women complain so much about

See how that works?

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DEFINITION OF A “SELECT FUCKBOY”
Now, before we go any further, let’s be sure to define exactly what a “fuckboy” is, because Black Americans have a very nasty habit of morphing the definition of words when and where it suits them to do so. According to the Urban Dictionary, the term “fuckboy” is defined as follows:

“A boy who plays with girls feelings and doesn’t really like them and would do say anything a girl wants to hear to have sex with them or to get something they want. Fuckboys know what girls want to hear but they hurt so many girls. Once they are a fuckboy,they always will be a fuckboy. If you know a guy is a fuckboy, dont fall for him. Usually fuckboys are cute so yeah and you usually can tell if they are a fuckboy by how they dress and act. He is kinda like a player and hoe”.

Although there have been (weak) attempts towards equal parts denial and shifting of the goalposts on this point of late, it can’t be denied that the above description fits the so-called “select guy” much more than the so-called “non-select” one – after all and especially within a Black American context, “select guys” have all the motive in the world to be fuckboys: they’re tall (read: 6′ plus), conspicuously handsome and have the uncanny knack for telling Black women what they want to hear. Only a dullard or an ideologue would fail to make the bleedingly obvious connection between “select guys” and “fuckboys” here.

A RARE BLACK WOMAN’S CONFESSION
But, in case you want more evidence before we go on, consider this little gem of a blogpost from the website, “Darker Berrie”, where the author, a Washington, DC-based sista, gives a rare accounting of her predeliction to “fuckboys”:

“My best friend told me this the other day and I had an epiphany. When I get with my friends, somehow we always end up talking about guys. Despite the amount of guy bashing posts I have I really don’t believe that all guys are trash… just most of them. ok just a few.

What is in our DNA that makes us attracted to f**kboys, especially when all the signs are there in the beginning! Sis, you can’t run around with SZA yelling “why you bother me when you know you don’t want me” when you steadily text him back even when he doesn’t respond to you but has time to snap about an unfulfilling lunch. How about we change up the script a bit and put more effort into the guy that has the qualities you desire from the beginning.”

Those “qualities” being the aforementioned height, leading man looks and silver tongue, as Essence magazine makes crystal clear.

Now here’s where the rubber hits the road:

“I met a nice guy not too long ago, he was polite, texted during my normal hours and could hold a decent conversation. Naturally, I made up a number of reasons why I couldn’t pursue him and friend zoned him. As I spent time reflecting I remembered a time when I met a f**k boy who knew just what to say and when to say it to keep me on his line. He was a jerk but I credited his bad behavior as having a personality and swag. I really hope I’m not the only one who has experienced this. For some reason, I am more attracted at the task of turning a guy that isn’t right for me into an upstanding bae citizen than having my Prince Charming from the beginning. My obsession with DIY projects is better spent on Pinterest and at Michael’s because my heart can’t take it anymore. I can literally have a nice guy who meets all of my superficial requirements and still look him over to entertain a dude that wouldn’t spit on me if I was on fire.”

BOOM! Confession truly is good for the soul, is it not?

Now, this post was dated Oct 9, 2017; so, has our heroine learned her lesson? Let’s find out:

“MY BOYFRIEND LEFT ME BROKE

For the last year of my last relationship that was my role. We were living together and I was anxious to play that wifey Susie homemaker real house wife of Temple Hills role. As independent and feminist as I like to appear deep rooted in my DNA is an African woman who wants to marry a good guy and play a domestic role. For a couple of months I felt like I was going down this path.

I’ve heard of crazy stories about how women were taken advantage of financially by the men they were dating but that wasn’t me. Unlike them I was smart and at this point I had been in a relationship for 6 years so we were solid…

The money problems came out of nowhere. One day I came home to a cable bill that unbeknownst to me hadn’t been paid for about 5 months. After a long talk with a tear eyed boyfriend I realized that this was my moment, I can step in and be Olivia Pope and save the day and he would fall more in love with me and we would live happily ever after…

So I had a checking and a savings…. Luckily for me there was money there and with every problem I flew in and saved the day. This became a trend for the both of us. He would default on one of his obligations and I would swoop in and save the day. I became less focused on why he was messing up and became focused on preparing myself for WHEN he would mess up. Breaking up with him was out of the question, I mean we were together for 6 years! I wasn’t going to throw that all away just yet so we continued like this.

My white hat became rusty. One save after another I found myself in a financial crisis. I has borrowed money from family, opened up a credit card and I stared astonished at my now empty savings account. With every conversation about money I was fed lie after lie until I felt myself reach rock bottom. Was this my life? Was I really going to stay in a relationship with someone who consistently neglected their responsibilities? Yup, I still wasn’t going anywhere. I was living in a twilight zone where I wasn’t ok with anything that was happening but I was somehow operating on auto pilot. One thing led to (a WHOLE lot) another then I found myself packing my bags and moving in with mother…

And there I was. In more debt that I could bear, depressed and still confused about how I got here. The irony of it all was that there were several times where I tried to reach out to him in hopes that we could get back together, I didn’t want those 7 years to just be for nothing! My road to healing was going to be long because there was a lot to be unpacked here.”

That was dated Dec 7, 2018 – more than a year after the aforementioned post. What a difference a year makes, right?

Do I really need to recount the many ways this young lady’s preference for select fuckboys doomed her to financial purgatory? Nah – you know what, I’m just gonna let her words stand on their own for your consideration and review, gentlemen. They truly do speak for themselves, do they not?.

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THE REAL REASON WHY SO MANY BLACK WOMEN ARE BROKE – “SELECT FUCKBOYS” ARE EXPENSIVE
While it is certainly true that the average (single!) Black woman’s net worth is $5 USD, carries the most student loan debt of anyone in the nation at somewhere north of $30K USD on average and spends ridiculous amounts of money on things such as hair weaves and Red Bottoms, the fact remains that a major reason why so many Black women are broke is due to their involvement with select fuckboys, as Ms. Darker Berrie aptly demonstrates above. The main reason, I think, why this hidden dimension of the rank and file Black women’s sorry fiscal state of affairs hasn’t been discussed is because of who’s been driving the conversation bearing on dating and mating matters in contemporary Black America – which are Black women and select fuckboys themselves. Only until very recently, have so-called non-select guys had the ability to be heard in our own voices and to bring our unique gifts and skillsets to bear on these matters, sans the permission or approval of said select fuckboys and the Black women who love them.

But, it’s true: select fuckboys are very expensive, as so many Black women eventually find out. Of course, by then, the damage is done and it is often too late to recover from. As we saw in the above vignette, the financial costs imposed onto Black women by select fuckboys can be downright ruinous – to the point of personal bankruptcy and beyond. Let’s consider some of these costs, shall we?

1. Non-disclosure of Select Fuckboy’s fiscal situation: Of course, because so many Black women are hot in the pants and going ga-ga over the prospect of getting bedded down by said SF, they never bothered to checkup on the guy’s financials – not that said select fuckboy was going to be forthcoming about his financial status, anyway. Why would that be important? Because and again, as we saw above, most Black women get dickmitized and want to “change” said select fuckboy from a good time to a long time – but in order to do that well, the latter requires MONEY. Which is something most select fuckboys tend not to have much of, if any at all. And why should they? After all, they want for nothing insofar as Black women are concerned – it is not at all unusual for such guys to be outright “taken care of” by Black women, at least for a time – and Cuffing Season is upon us, as we speak…

2. Cheating: Select fuckboys are notorious cheaters: don’t take my word for it, just listen with a discerning ear to Black women’s laments themselves – and cheating costs money. Somebody’s paying for it and usually it’s the long-suffering Black woman wife or girlfriend. Select fuckboys often use Black women’s cell phones, cars and other items with which to facilitate their cheating ways. Then, there’s the medical costs associated with STD treatments and of course, if said select fuckboy happens to make another Black women pregnant – as is so often the case – there can be additional costs incurred by the first Black women. That’s right, fellas – there ARE Black women out there paying for the “love child” her select fuckboy guy created while cheating on her(!). Hard to believe, I know – but stranger things have happened…

3. Trying to save a lost cause: Because select fuckboys have Black women falling out of the sky on them constantly, they never have to develop other aspects of themselves, like honesty, courage or ambition. And once they pass a certain age – say, mid-30s or so – they tend to be this way for life. But because so many Black women are hopelessly attracted to such losers and bums, they find themselves joined to the hip with these guys well past the “one night fling” date and are thus forced to make the best of it. It is at this point that many Black women find themselves attempting to “save/change” such select fuckboys – often supporting his many failed attempts at opening a business, going to school and so forth. Only after many tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars has been thrown down a rat hole, do SOME of these silly broads finally get a clue and get out. Some Black women even think they can “buy” such a select fuckboy, erroneously thinking that if men can be sugar daddies, why can’t they be sugar mamas? The problem with that idea is that the former is a more natural fit for men, while the latter is something rarely enjoyable by women regardless of age – and over time, they WILL come to resent such an arrangement.

For all these reasons and more, coupled with my extensive personal research and study of this phenomenon, I posit that most Black women risk losing, on average, somewhere in the neighborhood of $100K USD on dealing with select fuckboys, in various guises. Think about that cost for a moment, I am NOT joking – and consider the piss-poor fiscal situation so many Black women are in today. Wanna know how and why so many of them are so deep in the red? Now you know.

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THE VALUE-ADD OF THE “NON-SELECT GUY”
On the other hand, most “non-select” guys have their fiscal house in order – they tend to carry minimal debt, watch their spending and are ambitious, industrious and honest. Partnering with so-called non-select guys tends to be much better for a Black woman’s purse, if only because she isn’t constantly dipping into it every time she turns around, like Erykah Badu mentioned in her classic song, “Tyrone”. In fact, Black women united with a so-called non-select guy are rarely heard on social media or elswhere throughout the Black Vaginavision Media bemoaning “dusty” Black men (another euphemism for select fuckboys), because they’re usually well taken care of. None of this should come as any great shock or surprise – after all, who do these Black women, battered, bruised and broke, finally turn to when their select fuckboy dreams come crashing down to earth?

In short, non-select guys are a distinct, documented and empirical value-add to any Black woman, something we all know to be true but have to keep silent about due to the ridiculous “Bizarro”-like nature of contemporary Black America. And it is for this reason that yours truly is such an unabashed advocate for so-called non-select guys – because the facts, numbers and time, are on our side.

So, the next time you hear a Black woman whining about “dusty fuckboys”, be rest assured that she was GOT by one and now has no one but herself to blame. You, on the other hand, my non-select brothers, can simply smile as your bank account balance, investments and business concerns continue to grow and flourish. It couldn’t happen to a better group of harpies!

Now, adjourn your asses…

MOA

Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host and newly minted dating coach. You can catch his daily live shows on Mixlr, and his podcasts on YouTube and Black Avenger TV, as well as his weekly dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. He’s also a semi-professional pest.