Women Do Non-Select Guys No Favors By "Giving Them A Chance"

“If you have to convince her, she was never yours to begin with.”
-Mumia Obsidian Ali

As the Dating Coach for the Non-Select Guy, it is my job to be up on what’s going on in the dating and mating world. One way that I do so is to keep a close eye on my fellow peers, colleagues and in some instances, competitors in the dating and mating field. I typically do this through social media and the like; but today, I want to share with you a most interesting piece of information that came across my desk. It is from the one and only Mr. Evan Marc Katz.

Evan Marc Katz is a dating and relationship coach for “the smart, strong, successful woman” who is typically north of 35; often though not always previously married and has kids; and who in any event definitely has a “type” – and we all know who and what that “type” is (yes, Select Fuckboys are something White and non-Black women deal with/are drawn or otherwise attracted to as well). “EMK”, as he is also known, has been around for a long time – nearly two decades as of this writing – and has a verified track record of success, with numerous marriages under his belt. Indeed, on the merits of his work, I cannot deny his results – and I’ve lived long enough to never attempt to argue with results and success. It’s a fool’s errand.

It should also be noted, and in the interest of full disclosure, that EMK and I have a history; we go back nearly a decade and our interactions haven’t always been harmonious. Chalk it up to two very smart and strong-willed guys not being able to see eye to eye; but I maintain a grudging respect for his expertise and achievements in the field.

However, and my reasoning for writing this column today, I’d like to illustrate what happens when women who just ain’t feeling you like that is encouraged – in this case by a dating/relationship coach of the stature of an Evan Marc Katz – to give us Non-Select Guys “a chance”. Even if by doing so one gets the woman and relationship or marriage he wants, it’s a bad bet in today’s hedonistic world.

How so, you might ask? Read on!

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Haven’t you heard? The wait is over, and it’s official – “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman” is a Number One Bestseller on Amazon is NOW available wherever fine books are sold – get your copy NOW!!! Better yet, get your personally autographed copy – CLICK HERE for more details! OK, let’s get back to the article!

A POPULAR DATING COACH’S NEWSLETTER
Last month, I got wind of one of EMK’s newsletters, entitled “Is Your Checklist Getting Too Long?” which deals with women’s infamous “lists” of “must-haves” in a man; I’ve addressed the matter previously in this column and I would urge the reader to check it out for their edification (“Play To Your Strengths”, Negromanosphere.com, Jun 15, 2020). I repost the newsletter in full, though lightly edited for brevity (as EMK can be quite wordy and that’s saying a lot coming from me!) and to protect the names of people involved.

Here we go:

“Most of us have checklists describing the qualities of our ideal mate.

I’m not going to say whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. I’m just going to acknowledge that it’s real. When you’ve been on the planet for 40 years, you probably have a pretty good idea about what you’re looking for in a man.

I don’t blame you for a second, and I’m not going to tell you which things you should give up in order to find the man of your dreams.

What I will do today is illustrate to you how even your simplest list of non-negotiable dealbreakers is the very thing that is keeping you from finding love.

Take it from a guy who has plenty of self-esteem and wanted a woman who was his equal: holding onto the idea of a person prevents you from seeing the real person inside.

Nowhere is this more apparent than in the online dating world, where choice is infinite but quality seems low.

Not only do you get all the necessary advice on how to market yourself with photos, profiles and emails, but, more importantly, I help you with your inner struggles – how to stay positive, how to deal with liars, how to expand your search, and how to know when to take your profile down.

Even though I’m not a big advocate of lists, I think an ideal mate checklist can be a useful exercise and teaching tool. But because I don’t want you to work too hard, I’m going to make your list for you. Please forgive me if I get a few things wrong. I’m a guy, after all. :-)

You want a man who is:

Attractive
Honest
Intelligent
Kind
Funny
Financially Stable

This is entirely normal. Then again, you probably ALSO want a man who is:

Loyal
Family-oriented
Sexy
Generous
Interesting
Confident

Solid list, huh? Except the list gets longer when you really think about it…

Fit
Chivalrous
Charming
Ambitious
Tall
Creative

You like the fictional person that we’re putting together? I sure do.

I want to be him for Halloween.

In case you’re wondering, there is nothing wrong with this list.

The only problem is that the list can keep going and going and going. For each quality you add, there’s another justifiable reason that a man is not suited for you.

Maybe he’s got 17 out of 18 qualities, except he’s…

Not close with his family. That’s a big one. After all, you’re tight with yours and you think it’s strange that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with his brothers every Thanksgiving.

Not funny. The ability to laugh is paramount, isn’t it? And even though this guy is perfect in every other way, that’s not something you can live without.

Not confident. He’s an amazing guy, but he just tries so damn hard to please that you can’t even respect him. If he just grew a pair, he’d be perfect!

Not tall. You can’t go out with a guy you can literally see eye-to-eye with. No matter how amazing he is. It just doesn’t make you feel feminine or turned-on.

Not sexy. You know what it’s like to feel lust and you just don’t feel it with him. You can’t go the rest of your life without that chemical rush.

We can continue, of course, but I think you see the point. It’s not that any of these desires are unimportant. It’s that, no matter what, you’re ALWAYS going to find a deal breaker.

Even when you’re getting 17 out of 18 of your needs met, you’ll pick the ONE that makes you want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

End of interest. Back to the drawing board.

Does this resonate with you? Do you always find fault in the men you’re dating and dream that somewhere out there is a man who gives you everything on your ever-expanding list?

If so, join the crowd.

My 60-year-old, twice divorced client, “Jill”, did the same thing for many years.

She’d most recently had her heart broken by a charming, but commitment-phobic man from Match, and she turned to me for guidance through the dating process.

I quickly wrote her a new profile and started getting her more responses.

Next thing she knew, she had a bunch of options from quality men.

One guy even reminded her of the heartbreaker.

They went out once. He said he’d call her again.

He didn’t.

But this other man did.

He wasn’t the most impressive candidate in the bunch, but he just kept asking her out.

Every time my client would go on a date with him, she would have fun. And then she’d complain on the phone that he wasn’t what she was looking for.

A sample of our conversation:

“He’s 5’7”. I’m 5’7”. And I like to wear boots so that doesn’t work for me.”

Okay, I told her. What else doesn’t work for you?

“He’s not exactly the rugged type. That’s what I’m attracted to. Men who can work with their hands. Fix things around the house. Saddle up a horse. You know, manly men.”

Got it. Apart from those two things, how is he? Is he cute? Is he thoughtful? Does he make an effort to see you? Does he have the same values as you? Can he keep up with your upscale lifestyle?

“Yes. Yes, to all of those things. He’s actually pretty great. It’s just – he’s not what I’m looking for. He’s not my type.”

Which guys are your types?

“My two ex-husbands. And the Match guy who broke my heart.”

Do you see a pattern there?

“Maybe. But I can’t help what I’m attracted to.”

No, but you can help the choices you make. Instead of investing your energy in another rich charismatic Marlboro man with a wandering eye, keep seeing this new guy and getting to know him. Maybe you’ll find that being tall and handy isn’t as important as you think it is.

One month later, “Jill” had made her decision.

Her new boyfriend would meet her children and they’d all take a trip to Portugal together.

This is one of my favorite success stories because the solution was so simple.

Drop the checklist. Give this amazing guy a chance.”

Hmmm! Since the above counts as one of EMK’s “favorite success stories” it’s fair to take it as indicative of what he does and the situations he routinely encounters – and as such, we are free to then use it to gain a better insight, not only into dating and relationship coaches like Katz, but into women and dating and mating itself in our time. Which is what we’ll take up next!

THREE POWERFUL LESSONS LEARNED
Katz’s newsletter is powerful for me, for three distinct reasons that I want to share with all of you; they are as follows:

“JILL” IS SIXTY YEARS OLD. And here she is – TWICE divorced, AND got pumped and dumped by a guy on Match.com that in her words, was not only a “hearbreaker”, but reminded her of her two previous husbands(!). Although dating and mating discourse and the like is often focused on the young, one of the things I truly appreciate about EMK is that his singular focus is on older women – north of 35 – and their “types” don’t change with time either – contrary to what, let’s be honest, much younger and more ignorant younger guys online think they know about older women. You know, the whole “Alpha Fucks, Beta Bucks” thing? Don’t get me wrong – there IS a grain of truth to that – but it’s nowhere near as “ironclad” as we’ve been led to believe. The truth of the matter – as “Jill” has borne out – is that most older ladies have to be goaded and “coached” into giving those “beta” guys “a chance” – otherwise, left to their own devices, they can and will continue to get dumped on by their “type” of guys. Forever. Or at least for the forseeable future.

All of which brings me to the next point:

BEING NON-SELECT IS A VERY REAL THING – NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE MAY TRY TO DENY IT. Notice how one of “Jill’s” major gripes about the guy who “just kept trying”, was his height – he was 5’7″, and a far sight from what she was attracted to (notice how he wasn’t “manly” like all the other guys she was drawn to); she even said that she “couldn’t help it”(!). Right off the bat, women can and will notice your height or the lack thereof, AND IT WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE. There’s simply no getting around it – no matter how many “feel good stories” we may get in the form of so-called “short kings” like Tom Cruise, the late Prince Rogers Nelson, or Kevin Hart – what everyone seems to conveniently leave out in all of those cases is that these are men who are by definition, extraordinary in their respective fields of acting, music and comedy/acting. Honestly, the vast majority of tall men couldn’t achieve what these shorter statured men have done – and why do shorter statured guys have to pretty much blow the doors off human accomplishment anyway – just so they can “get a chance”? Really?

I am reminded of an instance of a similarly aged sista (her latter 50s), who herself was quite tall for a woman – nearly 6′ or so – and she was faced with a very similar situation as “Jill”, only the shorter guy in question was also Black. He was cultured, well read, accomplished, you name it – but he was “too short” and if I remember right, basically the same height as Jill’s “give him a chance” guy. Of course, because we’re talking about Black American women here, she stuck to her guns and refused to give the brotha “a chance” and instead made everyone around her miserable complaining about it, him and everything else in the known universe. She wound up dying alone in a hospital due to the Coronavirus plague.

That’s right, fellas – Katz might be able to get White or otherwise non-Black women to listen to reason; fair enough. But Black women have made it abundantly clear that they would rather die ALONE, than to “settle” for a non-select guy – it has been well documented how Black women have much higher mating aspirations than White or non-Black women do (“WHY HAS MARRIAGE DECLINED AMONG BLACK AMERICANS?”, Dawne Mouzon, Scholars Strategy Network, Oct 26, 2013). And, when you really stop to think about it, that’s not an altogether bad thing. More on that in a bit.

As for the idea of “getting to know” someone – this is the polite way of a woman saying that you’re NOT that dude. I’ll explain how and why for those who are a bit slower on the uptake, but I’m directly responding to what “Jill” said to EMK in their newsletter above – and if you’re a fly on the wall in the numerous social media forums and discussion groups and the like these days, you’ll be as annoyed as I am about this “getting to know you” nonsense. Non-Select Guys get that treatment – the “Marlboro Man” types, don’t.

Know this and know this well: “Getting to know you” and “Give him a chance” are one and the same. Make no mistake about it.

Another point I want to make here is the fact that I am often queried as to why I’d want to bill myself as the “Dating Coach for the Non-Select Guy”; in the minds of a not insignificant number of brothers out there, doing so – admitting that one is deemed in the eyes of many ladies as “non-select” – is a tacit admission of defeat; a confession that one is a loser. But the reason why I do so is precisely for the reasons EMK’s client “Jill” makes abundantly clear above: Because many – if not most – men in today’s dating and mating world are in fact, NON-SELECT. Only those who are in denial would attempt to see it otherwise – which brings me to the final point…

DENIAL IS MUCH MORE THAN MERELY A RIVER IN EGYPT. I posted an excerpt of this newsletter on a number of social media forums I belong to last month, and was frankly taken a back by the number of men who didn’t have any problems with what Katz had done! When I asked at least four dozen Black men directly as to how and why they were completely OK with Katz’s advice to “Jill” to give her “short guy suitor that could a chance”, their response was that this is the norm among men – a clear and present confirmation for my “non-select guy” focus if there ever was one, and that quite a few reported knowing Black women who were “happily married” to similar guys!

There are very few things that make me speechless or stop me dead in my tracks, but I had to admit that the reports from far too many Black men online in response to EMK’s newsletter was it. Far too many men in our time today are living in denial: Thinking that they can “convince” a woman into a relationship; a weekend; a night out. And again, while EMK can certainly point to numerous “success stories” on his side of the fence, i.e., White/non-Black America, we have to ask honestly: How has that worked out for US?

I think it’s fair to say: “To ask the question, is to answer it.”

I will completely and with great pride, own the fact that not only am I unique among men in general and non-select men in particular, that I hold a very high opinion of myself and find it beneath me to degrade myself in the manner the un-named gentlemen suitor in EMK’s newsletter did; no woman ever had to tell me twice that she ain’t feeling me – and yes, women speak a lot more than with mere words. I will happily live out my days in this world on my own, before I live in a “give me a chance” relationship – but it is also clear that I am in the distinct minority. Far too many men are far too willing to sell their dignity on a fire sale.

And trust me, the lovely ladies notice.

LIVING IN A “SWIPE LEFT/SWIPE RIGHT” DATING WORLD
Another major lesson I learned from EMK here – and something that cannot be mentioned enough – is the role that sexual attraction plays in modern dating and mating. Even the great Evan Marc Katz, cannot deny it, cannot change it – after all, one of his “best” clients, “Jill”, bears that out.

I can’t speak for the couple(?) EMK wrote about above; but as for myself, I’ll say this: We live in a “swipe left/swipe right” world. Such a method has become the default setting of how we meet and greet each other in our time, with no end in sight. The Match Group, the parent company of household dating app names like Match.com, Tinder, Plenty of Fish and Bumble, has an estimated net worth of $30B USD(!) – which proves that they not only know what men and women want, but that they know what works in delivering that to them, too.

And you’re fooling yourself if you don’t think those “wants” aren’t predicated on sexual attraction first and foremost.

Now, to be sure, EMK’s famed and well-oiled tagline about getting a mate who’s a “7 in looks/sexual chemistry and a 10 in relationship compatibility” may indeed be all well and good; but anyone with at least one good eye can see otherwise. Here, the so-called “Incel” and “Black Pill” movements make a point: Not only has physical appearance become more important than ever due to social media and the like, but this becoming more important insofar as men are concerned has shot up as well – an undeniable, inevitable result of the economic, educational, social and political freedom of women in the Western world. What EMK and indeed many others, may not openly admit (though I am definitely sure they are aware of), is that we – men and women – simply no longer NEED each other anymore; but whether we now WANT each other. Our world has advanced and evolved to the point where relationships and marriage itself has advanced and evolved from utilitarian concerns to hedonistic pursuits – and there’s a rich body of research on precisely this point to back up everything I’m saying here (“The age of hedonic marriage“, The Economist, Jan 18, 2018; “For as Long as Our Love Shall Last: How the Soulmate Myth Makes Marriage Less Stable and Less Happy“, Institute for Family Studies, May 20, 2020). Indeed and back here on the Black American homefront, Black women have made it abundantly, crystal clear, that they simply will NOT “settle for less” – and we have scholarly research to back it up (“The Strategic Singlehood of Black Women“, Psychology Today, Jan 19, 2022; “Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood before Marriage“, Edin & Kefalas, 2005). There is also a rich body of research to back up what the incels and black pills have anecdotally observed: That the “80/20 rule” not only is real, but that things have gotten a lot more fierce (“Sex & Dating Apps“, Dr. Jordan Peterson & Robert K. Henderson, YouTube, Sep 20, 2021). We aren’t going back to an idyllic time that in many ways and for many of us – “us” meaning Black Americans – never existed anyway. We’re in a Brave New World, where dating and mating is done on a much more frivolous and superficial basis.

And it’s time we all – and especially the non-select guys among us – admitted that.

CONCLUSION
Some will read today’s column and detect in it a rather somber tone; if this is the case, they would be right to do so. One of the things that sets me apart from my peers and colleagues in the “Black Love” business, is that unlike them, I won’t tell my charges things that are not true. I won’t tell the guys in my dojo that they can and will get a “dime” if they buy my books and/or take my courses; nor will I conveniently omit important details and “fine print” about today’s dating marketplace that my peers will, for fear of not getting or keeping new or existing clients. Non-Select Guys deserve to know the truth about their situation, come what may and no matter how harsh that may be. We do ourselves no favors when we attempt to delude ourselves of exactly how life in our time really is, and how women are free to choose for themselves what they deem to be the best for themselves.

I also want to conclude that I bear Mr. Katz no ill will. As I said at the outset of this column, he has indeed gotten results for thousands of smart, strong and successful older ladies. That could not happen without men willing to play their role and position; to keep showing effort; to keep showing up; to be given a chance. Clearly, those guys thought doing so, was worth it.

Simping after all, ain’t easy.

Thank God I’m not one of them.

Are you?

Now adjourn your asses…

MOA

Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host, commentator, newly minted dating coach and author of “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”. You can catch his daily live shows on YouTube & Mixlr, as well as his dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. One of the “Three Kings” of the Black Manosphere, Mr. Ali has contributed to the creation and development of Black Male Media. Follow him on Instagram at @ObsidianRadio. He’s also a semi-professional pest.