“SIBW: Strong, Independent Black Woman.”
-Urban Dictionary

“The Strong Black Woman Schema, as defined by scholars, is an archetype of how the ideal Black woman should act. This has been characterized by three components: emotional restraint, independence, and caretaking. Strong Black women must hold back their emotions to avoid appearing weak, portray themselves as strong and independent while being responsible for the problems of others, and take care of those problems as if they were their own. Stemming from stereotypes of enslaved Black women the schema grew from the intersectional oppression Black women face from society’s expectations. The notion that as women they must be uphold feminine standards, but as Black women they must balance that with the responsibility of being emotionally and physically strong, this is also known as intersectionality. Some examples of idealized Strong Black Woman in today’s society include Michelle Obama, Oprah, and Beyonce. These women’s attributes are placed on a pedestal as the standard for how Strong Black Women can achieve great success in our society. While these women have overcome the odds of those set by Black women centuries ago from slavery to the suffrage movement, they are the exception and not the rule in most cases. Black women are not all offered the same opportunities but are still held to the same standard of being almost indestructible. That is why the Strong Black Woman is considered a schema, because schemas are malleable and therefore are ever changing as society’s expectations of womanhood and strength evolve.”
-Wikipedia

As the writing deadline looms ever larger for my “sister” volume “The Book of Obsidian: The Ladies Edition” yours truly experienced a confluence of events over the weekend that was nothing short of extraordinary. Thanks to what is fast becoming a “CNN” in its own right, the Black Manosphere has brought to my attention a recently published article over at Psychology Today, entitled “The Strategic Singlehood of Black Women” by one Dr. Bella DePaulo, who holds forth over at PT as something of a “singleness expert” (Jan 19, 2022). As of this writing at the close of the third weekend of Jan 2022, there are at least four Black Manosphere outlets discussing the matter on YouTube alone – and I strongly suspect there to be quite a few more such discussions on Black social media’s hottest sector in the week ahead (“Strategic Singlehood of Black Women?”, Kevin Samuels, YouTube, Jan 21, 2022; “Strategic Singlehood by Black Women?”, General Tito, Jan 23, 2022; “On The Other Side of Being Single: On The Strategic Singlehood of Black Women”, Dr. T. Hasan Johnson, Jan 21, 2022; “It’s Not Us It’s Them: No More Blaming Black Men”, Dennis Spurling, Esq. Jan 24, 2022).

What Dr. DePaulo says in the piece is nothing any Black man hasn’t seen or heard, witnessed or experienced, directly or indirectly over the past three decades (at least!); two tasty data driven tidbits alone well within the past decade more than aptly makes the case she discusses in her column and which I have discussed at some considerable length and detail on my own right here (“So Single Black Men Want Commitment. Really?”, Gene Demby, National Public Radio, Jun 8, 2013; “The gender gap in black views on Trump, explained”, Jane Coatson, Vox, Mar 9, 2020). But we have to give the good doctor her props for adding to the corpus of documented evidence in support of what Black men have been saying for decades now: That Black women, writ large, are NOT team players. They see themselves as distinct, different and apart, from Black men; have their own ideas about what Aristotle many millennia ago called “a good life”; and are determined to chart their own course of their lives.

Dr. DePaulo’s article leans heavily on recent research conducted by Wayne State University’s Dr. Jessica D. Moorman – and while we can quibble over sample size, study design, methodology and the like, I for one am inclined to take the lady’s work on its face as more grist for the mill; after all, it falls right lockstep with findings from NPR, the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, Harvard University’s School of Public Health, AND a major player in left of center news and opinion in the 21st century digital age, Vox. As another major player in the Black Manosphere, “Manoshpere Highlights Daily” often asks: “How much proof do you need?”.

I leave readers of this column to investigate Dr. DePaulo’s article, and the study upon which it is based, called “Socializing Singlehood: Personal, Interpersonal, and Sociocultural Factors Shaping Black Women’s Single Lives” (Psychology of Women Quarterly, Jul 20, 2020) for themselves and trust that they will come to their own conclusions about both; in the meantime – and in that this IS a dating column – I want to now bring in another powerful vector for our consideration, that brings it all home in devastating fashion. Read on!

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Haven’t you heard? The wait is over, and it’s official – “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman” is a Number One Bestseller on Amazon is NOW available wherever fine books are sold – get your copy NOW!!! Better yet, get your personally autographed copy – CLICK HERE for more details! OK, let’s get back to the article!

WHAT “STRATEGIC SINGLEHOOD” IN REAL TIME LOOKS LIKE ON THE 21ST CENTURY BLACK AMERICAN DATING & MATING LANDSCAPE
Last night I participated in a panel discussion about long time Black Love expert Tony Gaskins’ recent shade thrown at our good friend and brother in arms, “Saint Kevin” Samuels. At issue? Gaskins took exception to Samuels’ saying to the lovely ladies, that they shouldn’t be going out on dates with Black men they had no sexual interest in, and went a step further to suggest not going out with Black men “after hours” – in other words, at night. If a lady has only a platonic interest in a brother, she should instead suggest dates between the hours of high noon and 3PM. Gaskins’ response was to suggest that Black men “grow up”, “mature” and realize that “just because you took a woman out at 7PM, doesn’t mean that she owes you her body”. The video clip of barely a minute has garnered as of this writing over 22K views on Instagram (Jan 21, 2022).

Of course Gaskins is pandering to his predominantly Black female base something hard; he has to shore up said base after losing, by his own admission, thousands of followers, subscribers and real paying customers to his various schemes, er, “ventures” behind fellow Black Loverman Derrick Jaxn’s faux pas as a confirmed serial adulterer, malignant narcissist and Select Fuckboy par exellence nearly a year ago. Even worse – and like Jaxn – Gaskins too is feeling the burn, not just from Samuels’ ascendancy, but increasingly from the whole of the Black Manosphere itself. His thinly veiled jabs are now a matter of public record in a two-part interview he did with the one and only gossip maven Ms. Tasha K. (“Exclusive | Tony Gaskins x Tasha K. | Confronting The MANOSPHERE (Part 1)”, Tasha K., YouTube, Dec 29, 2021; “Tony Gaskins x Tasha K | Why are Men afraid of Marriage? | Black Men and Women Relationship goals”, Tasha K., YouTube, Jan 12, 2022).

Gaskins has to know that he has lost the “war” between himself and us, and for a very simple reason: We have all the guys. The ones who decide who gets taken out, who gets flewed out, and who gets wifed up – or not. As I noted in another recent panel discussion, NONE of the Black men “alpha males” Black women flock to, get any traction, let alone cooperation or recognition, from Black men at large – and certainly gets no love from the Black Manosphere (“Discussion with Alan Roger Currie and Obsidian about the concept of an Alpha Male”, Bernard Riley, YouTube, Jan 18, 2022). At best, Gaskins faces a seriously uphill battle; at worst, he faces certain defeat.

But that’s the easy part of last night’s conversation; what was more important for my money, was the fact that what Black women face in the 21st century: How to get the Non-Select Guys they have absolutely no sexual interest in whatsoever, to give them what I call in my upcoming book for the lovely ladies “The Boyfriend Experience” – for the free:

“First, let’s be clear what I am NOT talking about when I use the phrase “boyfriend experience”: I am NOT talking about that rare bird known as the male escort (and they most certainly DO exist), the “Rent-A-Gent” types. Those are hired guns you hire to keep up appearances at important social functions or even those more intimate family holiday dinners and outings so you don’t have to explain how and why you’re single for the umpteenth time. Stuff like that.”

“No, what I mean by “boyfriend experience” is more along the lines of something that has been unearthed by academic researchers coming out of Asuza Pacific University in the past few years: Women who have admitted to going out on dates with men they had little to no actual sexual or romantic interest in. The study, which was co-authored by Dr. Brian Collison and appeared in Social Psychological & Personality Science, found that roughly one third of American women engaged in the practice known as “foodie calls” and was widely publicized in the American media (“Foodie Calls: Scientists Studied Women Who Go on Dates for Free Meals, and Found One Shared Personality Trait”, Newsweek.com, by Kashmira Gander, Jun 21, 2019; “Beware of ‘foodie call’ dates who are just in it for a free meal”, New York Post, by Christian Gollayan, Aug 30, 2017). To be sure, when I covered the matter first live on the air and then in print (“All the Crazy Ladies”, Negromanosphere.com, Jul 29, 2019), quite a few ladies got very upset and vehemently disagreed with the study’s findings, largely on racial grounds; they argued, that since the study didn’t specify the race(s) of the women studied, it wouldn’t be wise to automatically assume that its conclusions would apply to Black women. In a woke age, I had to admit that the lovely ladies might have had a point.”

“Since then, I’ve reconsidered my position on the matter, to “extend and revise” it to include what I’m proffering now in the fall of 2021: That, aside from the “dinner whoring” (my preferred term) dimensions previously studied, reported and discussed, where the focus is strictly on the procurement of “free food” while dangling what dating coach and author Alan Roger Currie called “the possiblity of sex” in front of an unsuspecting suitor, there is another factor at work that might indeed be somewhat unique to the Black Female Experience here – one of attempting to seek (or makeup for?) emotional interactions with men that are otherwise lacking in their social dating and mating lives. In other words, “the boyfriend experience”, in a Black American dating and mating context, might explain how and why so many Black women go out on dates with Black men they’re really not all that interested in – because in the so doing, they can get a taste of what having a boyfriend is like outside of the bedroom. You know, the being treated special, the going out someplace nice, the conversation in an intimate setting, even the publicity of it all – after all, we do live in a social media world (and Black women avail themselves of it more than anyone else). With so many Black women freely admitting that they hadn’t been out on a “proper date” in months – some even report years(!) – what I am suggesting here is in no way out of the realm of possibility.”

“And as so many of you know and know well, let’s face it: In our time today, the kinds of Black men many of you go for, rarely wine and dine you before hitting them sheets. Many of you may be loathe to admit it, but we all know it’s true – for one thing, how do you explain all of the bastard children being born in Black American life today? That fact alone proves the point – but so too do the de facto default setting of mating in Black America now, which is known as Hooking Up. In fact, this is so well known, that Steve Harvey addressed it in his hugely popular dating tome, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” – how so many of you, with quite a bit of deliberative forethought I might add, cobble together a stable of men to meet every need you have – including sexual. It’s a topic typically framed along “Can men and women just be friends?” lines; but as you might imagine, I have just a bit more to add to Harvey’s take on the whole ball of wax, some of which appears in this chapter, and a bit more in a later one devoted to the subject of “platonic friends”, so stay tuned for that.”

“My point here in bringing up Harvey, is the fact that so many of you Black women have to go to the lengths you do to find atomized pieces and parts of men to meet your needs bolsters my argument for the boyfriend experience – what I half-jokingly refer to as “Frankendude”. Oh, and one other thing: In case some of you might not have picked up on it, my term is something of the mirror of “the girlfriend experience” female escorts, call girls and the like, provide for men who hire their services: Aside from merely providing sex work, these ladies also play the part of modern day courtesans, who can make a man look good at important social functions, say all the right things, are good and attentive listeners, and so on. Like my “masculinization” of the phrase, yes, I am arguing, that “Black women do it, too”.”

This challenge for Black women in our time, WILL become the major focal point upon which Black men and women feud with each other, now that Samuels, yours truly and the whole of the Black Manosphere continues to gain apace on the Jumbotron. Additionally, Black women themselves will continue to tell on themselves by broadcasting to the world their express revealed preferences in a mate – and said Black men will be markedly different in form and in kind, from the kinds of Black men many Black women want to “do all the things your man won’t do”, as R&B crooner Joe sang. Of course, it goes without saying that that dog just will not hunt; far too many Black men are hip to the lovely ladies’ game; and on it goes: The evolutionary mating arms race in contemporary Black American terms, will rage on.

But even this fact, or series of them, isn’t the real kicker here; that, will come in the final section of today’s column.

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Haven’t you heard? The wait is over, and it’s official – “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman” is a Number One Bestseller on Amazon is NOW available wherever fine books are sold – get your copy NOW!!! Better yet, get your personally autographed copy – CLICK HERE for more details! OK, let’s get back to the article!

“WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM THE FIRST TIME”
I conclude today’s column with – ironically enough – from a quote from that Grande Dame, the late great Maya Angelou. Seen as something of a patron saint among the Sistahood, her utterances were taken as near-Gospel by Black women, often amplified by the High Priestess Oprah Winfrey herself. It is fitting that we consider Angelou’s words as we close out a most important discussion.

In last night’s conversation on-air, I was asked as to how and why so many Black men act as they do toward Black women – that is to say, why so many of them don’t seem to “get” that Black women are indeed, “strategically single”. My response was simple and at the same time profound: That, contrary to popular opinion, many Black men are a far sight more romantic than we – even they – may want to believe. As I pointed out in my first “Book of Obsidian”, the notion of “Black Love” isn’t something that only Black women are carrying a torch for; quite a few Black men do as well. And indeed, given the sheer weight of the evidence in our time, one has to honestly ask as to whether the phrase “Black Love” even means the same thing to Black women and Black men. Said evidence strongly suggests, it does not.

My argument was that Black men – and let’s be honest here, I mean the Non-Select Guys among us – have got to recognize, that Black women weren’t just shouting “wolf tickets” all these years; they really do mean it when they say “they don’t need no man”. As my colleague Bernard Riley rightly observes, Black women in our time today can indeed survive on their own, through a combination of their own work, government loans and subsidies – the Welfare State – as well as a patchwork of “community” connections and supports (read: Other Black women). Attempting to argue that partnering with a “good brother” has and will continue to fall, on deaf ears in the main; the aforementioned “Big Daddy Govt” has successfully supplanted whatever an “average at best” brother could bring to the table, and even “high value brothers” with verified track records of achievement and the resources to back it up, are by no means guaranteed a walk in that park.

Even more to the point, Black American society in our time (perhaps for all time?) has a much smaller, but much more potent cadre of “swordsmen” – conspicuously handsome, smooth and charismatic, buffed, coiffed and tatted, and optimized for a social media age, group of Black men – who know they’re in high lustful demand by the lovely ladies and who will make no compunctions from sampling what’s on offer. Moreover, they know that they need to do little to nothing in the way of “presexual courting investment” – passing along those “costs”, at least in theory, to the Non-Select Guys. Black men such as these get heavy de facto promotion on Black social media, which Black women are plugged into Matrix-style, and a vicious cycle is created: Black women’s inherent proclivities toward “fine” men are reinforced by a steady stream of “input” from social media featuring these men at every turn. Black women love being “used up” and there is little Black men of the variety this column is aimed at can and honestly at this point, should do to avert the tide. The Select Fuckboys and the Black women who love on them, know they can and will have easy access to each other. The trick is in finding who will underwrite the Stuff of Life – for the free.

It’s time the Non-Select Guys of Black America saw the world – in this case Black women writ large – for who and what they are, and move accordingly. It is not at all unusual for Black women who are solidly middle aged, have grown kids and even have grandkids(!), who simply will not “snap out” of the grip of the Select Fuckboys, all the while attempting to jawbone the Non-Select Guys into providing essential nonsexual goods and services without so much as even a “thank you” in the process.

Black women can indeed “survive” on their own without “needing a man”; but they and everyone else knows, they cannot “thrive” without a man, and especially a Non-Select one. Non-Select Guys need to start recognizing their own worth.

Now adjourn your asses…

MOA

Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host, commentator, newly minted dating coach and author of “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”. You can catch his daily live shows on YouTube & Mixlr, as well as his dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. One of the “Three Kings” of the Black Manosphere, Mr. Ali has contributed to the creation and development of Black Male Media. Follow him on Instagram at @ObsidianRadio. He’s also a semi-professional pest.